I stood in that hospital room shocked and in disbelief that my son, my little boy wasn't responding with a heartbeat. We stared at that screen and prayed that he would move but there was nothing, nothing more that we could do to change our circumstances. The darkest day of our lives was only just beginning. We felt hopeless and afraid with so much anger, we couldnít ignore the fact that our world had shattered to pieces on that cold, hard floor.
Later that night when we had cried every tear that we could shed, the reality set in on what was to be done next. When he was placed in my arms, the weight was too much to bear so with weakened knees I sat and I stared for so long. Proud of who he was but never knowing who he would become.
We left there empty-handed knowing we'd never be the same. As a family we were incomplete and still remain that way today. There wasn't enough time for goodbyes and we've never heard you cry. Never heard you speak but silence is your voice and sometimes that is louder than anything. There are days when we just want to cave in and break away but we can't give up now, we've got daughters to raise.
Iíve read, ďThe Lord heals the broken-hearted and binds up their woundsĒ but I pray that He heals every laceration except the one I have for you. Because it's the pain that reminds me of what it's like to feel the emptiness inside that, at times, can be so hard to deal with. I hurt but I know Iím not alone. ďForever in the arms of JesusĒ is more than words on this headstone.
I believe that one day I will see you again and we will walk hand in hand but until that day Iíll question everything until I understand. Why did it have to be this way? What could I have done so wrong to make You take my son from me? Come on, God, come on. Iím not alright but Iíve lied and told others Iím fine with a fake smile but the truth is, Iím dying inside.
Why does it seem that You are so silent during the hardest times in my life ?
My prayers begin as whispers and suddenly become screams. With clinched fists at my side, I now know what it means to grieve. Iíve tried so hard to believe that everything happens for a reason but I am not convinced that it pertains to this situation, I just donít see it. One of the hardest parts of moving on is trying to be strong and every day that passes is another day I want to hold you in my arms. I think about you all the time and itís so commonplace for me to be in this state of mind where sanity is so hard to find.
I recognize that we are but a vapor and I've grown colder in this life since the day you were taken. I need peace to set my mind at ease so be near to me Jesus. Holy Comforter indwell as I await expectantly for You to reveal that one day in Your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else.