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06. Confessions of a Prodigal Son

Whispers & Screams
by Johnny Anomaly


Somewhere along the way, from the narrow path I have strayed and found myself alone as a vagabond in need of a home. I feel I can't go back to where I am from because I'm afraid to face the rejection from the ones I have scorned. I left my Father on His throne and since that day I'm not sure I'll ever be welcomed back into His arms.

But it's alright and I'm okay. I have everything I need and can He really blame me, anyway? I mean, I'm a good person, I'm certain that my sins are but a grain of sand in comparison to those who are far worse than I am.

I was warned that pride comes before the fall but I don't see anything wrong with being confident in living the way that I want. I am free so don't try to convince me otherwise, I don't need advice from men who have planks in their own eyes. Please, I just don't want to hear it - those words of conviction that remind me of what I've been missing. I just want to enjoy the bliss that comes from ignorance while still indulging in what some would consider my disobedience.

If I'm honest, I don't want to change and if I ruin my life, You may be the one I blame. That's the way it'll have to be because You shouldn't expect me to take full responsibility for my actions when in all reality You can prevent all this from happening.

I really believed You were sovereign, it's a shame that we've grown apart. Given the circumstances at hand make me question whether You ever really loved me at all. But I can do this alone...

Oh, I'll be my own god and decipher right from wrong. Better yet, I'll make my own rules and do exactly what I want. As I've said before, I am free and have everything I need. There's no room for You in my life, only one that matters is me. I've come to grips with my fate so if you never see me again remember that I'd rather choose a side than play the fence and be a fake.

Unlike the other pawns, I make my own way and for them to think that I'm insane well maybe I am but they will never see me break. You will never see me break...

I could've sworn You hid Your eyes from me and so I began to run. Trying to fit in with those around me had left me wondering, who had I become? It was like a game of hide and seek but I was eventually found in disarray. Broken and so despicable but all I had to do was call out Your name.

"Jesus, I'm ready now," I screamed from the darkened path and there You stood before me just like You always had. You saved me despite the mess I've made of myself and being separated from You was nothing short of a living hell. Sure, I did what I wanted, made enough money to flaunt it but what I obtained in silver and gold wasn't enough to save my soul.

Lord, I want to know you more...

This has been something You've heard so many times before but this time it's different. This time around, I promise that I mean it. I've been known as a liar, backstabbing, conniving, hypo-Christian with bad intentions but it's safe to say that although I've failed, I've also been forgiven.

Still there are those who can't help but remind me as if I've forgotten about the poor choices I've made down the road that's behind me. Well, as long as they're reminiscing about the man I used to be they'll never notice that I've been delivered from the clutches of that iniquity. Sure there were things I had done out of my own stupidity - fits of rage escalated by thoughts of malice and envy. For quite some time I seemed to have forgotten my own identity, getting way too comfortable in what I now realize was a false sense of security.

There's nothing like the feeling of being where you belong but at the time I hadn't felt that way in years, it was so long that I'd grown numb to the feeling of the Spirit I'd been grieving but I was tired of aimlessly running from the truth I'd been concealing. Still You tugged on my heart with love, calling me back to where You are as a father and not a judge. Make no mistake there were times when I had to be corrected but as son, discipline is something that was necessary.

I'm ashamed to say that I turned away, in my rebellion I continued to curse Your name. So malicious at times, I was losing my mind but You never gave up on me. Since my repentance, I've been replenished by water from a well that doesn't run dry - my lifeline in these hard times when I don't think I can make it but You're strong, my backbone that gives me the strength to tread on until I make it home. And Lord, I'm coming home. Father, I'm coming home.

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